“dreaming, reverie, and fantasy are ways of being that make the reality of circumstance more tolerable.” d. fenster
my reality… consistently falling short. my memories are untrustworthy, time and time again i have believed a memory to be truth only to find out later that i was wildly mistaken. this makes for a very unstable mind. those memories that I hold most clearly in my mind are those of myself falling short, or of those i should have been able to count on, letting me down.
I feel obliged to say that I do have happy memories; christmas’, birthdays, vacations, summers with my grandparents amongst the redwoods, i even have a handful of have happy memories from high school.
Unfortunately, those memories aren’t strong enough to over power the negative residue that has created a fog in my mind. As I attempt to spearhead a rather large endeavor I find myself face to face with my biggest weaknesses. When a person sets out to do something big, something that sets the stage for the rest of their life, something that requires ALL of themself, something that they are so passionate about, they are also setting out to test their own strengths & weaknesses.
In the course of the last few years, while working toward my goal I have come to many realizations about myself. Most of which I am not proud of. As I try to find the reasons for my shortcomings, a step in the direction of turning a new leaf, I find only more conflict. I have always been able to form lasting relationships with those that I date (until we break up anyway), but when it comes to my family members and platonic friends I once again, fall short.
I am admitting this now because I feel I must to make a change.
I am not: a good friend, a loyal daughter or sister, a role model. I do not inspire greatness. I am not great.
When I try to find a reason for my lack of empathy I find myself filling up with anger, angry at myself and resentful of my parents. I never wanted to be one of those people who blames their parents for their own shortcomings. But whenever I face a challenge and fall short a memory or feeling from my youth rolls over me and I shake with frustration like a child who cannot speak.
There is a certain amount of support that is neccessary for success. I do not have this support and I am the only one to blame for that. I am afraid of my own shadow. I can’t get myself to that point where I feel invincible, capable of bringing my dream to reality.
there is a wall of sorts, a wall that I have spent 20 years building, a barrier of protection from a world full of people who so swiftly broke my heart that it wasn’t until my 27th year that I realized the pain. I have been left behind and replaced, I have been forgotten and overlooked. I have been seen and passed over, i have been looked right through as if invisible. I have been labelled a follower, I have been told that I will never be first, that I will never win. I’ve been lost and no one is looking.
In order to face the community whose support I need the most I have to break down this wall, I have to stand up to the negativity and convince people that I am worth the investment. My ideas, my passions have something, they are backed with an eagerness to be a part of something great. Something that benefits others.
I have to convince myself that I am after all worth seeing.
I have always been a dreamer. Lost in my own little world of beauty. The fantasy got me this far now I must step into reality.